Seeking Models for Sacred *and* Grounded Partnerships

My first wife and I had already been in couples counseling for about a year leading up to the proposal. Twenty years later, I have gotten divorced and remarried, and I’m now in an evolving, nourishing, beautiful life partnership with the mother of my kids. Along the way I co-founded a law firm focused exclusively on helping couples mediate their conflict, or divorce efficiently and with the least harm possible.

I have been a serious student of life partnerships for more than two decades.

I found some of my teachers by random chance, and others through books. Much of my Love learning has been through raw experience. But if I were now seeking out mentors and role models, where would I look for guidance to navigate the key relationships in my life? Who could provide a truly useful model for forging an extraordinary partnership with my significant other, where I am expressed fully, and she is too? Who could show me a path in which I can maintain my own ground, while continuing to grow and push my personal boundaries (as well as the joint boundaries I share with my intimate partner)? Who can show me all the ways Love hasn’t blossomed fully in my life, and the path to opening to all the joy, exuberance, richness, stability, and fun that is possible through my long-term relationship?

Most people have no decent (forget about great) relationship role models or mentors anywhere in sight. Rarely do we find such guiding figures among our parents, relatives, friends, clergy, gurus, fictional heroes, or academic mentors. Even the poets seem to be lost.

How is that possible?

Perhaps because Love is nothing less than a spiritual quest. God is Love, Love is God. And if the quest of Love is “spiritual,” the mastery required must be of a spiritual nature. (And thus requiring mastery of what Ken Wilber calls the “psychotechnology” required for discovery of your highest Self, as he defines spirituality.)

But Love, while sacred, is also tethered to the sexy and the profane. (There are biochemicals and other fluids involved.) Navigating human love requires being grounded in the root chakra of human beingness.

By my calculus, then, a master of Love must be versatile in both the spirit and the earthly domains. A teacher or role model incorporating only one or the other should be considered cautiously, if at all. He or she should be part of a grounded and ascendent partnership. Further, a teacher who is not also a role model, who is not on the court and navigating serious partnership (I'm thinking about you David Deida), should be considered cautiously, if at all.

If you are in an extraordinary, sacred yet grounded partnership, you probably get comments about it from people. Don't keep to yourself. If a person is the average of the five people he or she spends the most time with, then couples are the average of the couples they spend time with. Your mission is to share yourselves, and help lift others in this time.

If you are not in such a partnership, but want to be, look hard for these couples and spend time with them.

I am humbled at the way participants of all backgrounds have expressed how the blending of sacred and grounded practices have helped shift stuck energy, create new conversations, and unlock more of what’s possible in their intimate partnerships. My beloved and I call our workshops “Bhakti + Beloved,” because Love is about the heart’s devotion, and the most powerful practices to open the heart and expand it’s capacity for devotion are found in the Indian traditions of bhakti yoga. Calling in Divine energy to help harness the power of devotional practice, alongside the practical work (supported by coaching and mediation) of clearing up toxic issues and improving communication, is a special and powerful combination.

If you are interested in learning more about our workshops for both couples and singles, or our sacred and sexy couples retreats, visit us here. (Hint: we laugh, sing, connect, and cultivate your ability to open up fully into a devotional relationship, with practices including cacao ceremony, kirtan, partner yoga, improv games, embodiment exercises, creative projects, communication games, and the giving and receiving of blessings and missions.)

Will you seek out relationship mentors who are developing themselves equally on the spirit and earthly level, and become a light for other partnerships in this new era?

The Deep Sexuality of the Masculine Yin

Traditional masculinity, fashioned in and by millenia of "patriarchal" culture, has had a tendency to expect sexual gratification from a mate. Often instant gratification. Because femininity of the new era is not always available for this... enter internet porn.

The masculine of the dawning new era still tends to have a desire for immediate sexual gratification (or “sexual nourishment,” as I’ll frame it). However, he has a rising, and perhaps now even stronger, desire for his mate to WANT him.

I call this a yearning for Deep Sexuality.

I believe the shift away from a desire for instant and surface sexuality to deep sexuality, with a nod to author Genia Haddon, is evidence that the masculine yin energy is increasing in relevance relative to the once-dominant masculine yang energy. One aspect of masculine yin energy is that it gets more energized and nourished by supporting and nourishing the feminine, than by exerting power over the feminine.

(Read this article by Charles Eisenstein, or my interview on this podcast, for more on how yin/yang dimensions can radically expand our conception of sexual polarity.)

The masculine sexual desires of nourishment and being wanted are not mutually exclusive, because the feminine yang energy rising in women everywhere will, when the moment is right, absolutely want the masculine sexually in that moment. And she will bring a creative, surprising, feminine sexuality to the dance. (By contrast, the feminine yin surrenders to the masculine yang, but does not necessarily want it and therefore does not tap into her deepest sexual fire.)

How does a man get nourished when he wants and needs nourishment, by a woman who deeply desires to nourish him and brings a potent feminine creativity to the affair?

If you view the above question as the holy grail of masculine sexuality, then join me, brother, in our quest.

Here are a few suggestions from the front lines, where I have had but mere glimpses of the Deep Sexuality grail.

1. Get to know and become enamored with the feminine yang 

If you are reading this, it’s likely that you are a man with a mate who exhibits primarily feminine yang energy. Feminine yang energy is powerful and dynamic, not meek and receptive. She will react or pounce at the right time and in the right context, and the dance is ecstatic. You must be aware and sensitive to this. You are a fisherman.

2. Breathe into the security and confidence of your masculine yin nature 

Cultivate an inner sense of sexual security and confidence that does not rely on your ability to exercise dominance over the feminine, but on the ability to inspire lust in the feminine. The opposite of security and confidence is a whining, expectation of sexual nourishment. This is a childish expression, not a mature one. I am very familiar with this expression. I have often heard myself expressing in this tone, and neither myself or my mate is sexually ignited by it.

3. Step into the solidity and steadfastness of your masculine yin nature

The feminine yang energy is aroused and excited by, among other things, the solidity and steadfastness of the masculine. The mystery is that masculine solidity and steadfastness does not equal passivity. I like to think of being steadfast in my flirtation with my mate, ready to amplify with her the sexual energy when it is present. But at the same time I work to stay solid in my own skin, meaning I don’t need my mate to perform some sexual act, in this moment, to satisfy me and keep me from flipping out. Patience is not passive. Breathe. Take care of yourself. and have faith


All men have a yin and yang expression, but some are more naturally expressing of one over the other. Trust me, even as a man who naturally expresses yin energy, cultivating a mature sexuality that embodies security, confidence, solidity, and steadfastness is a practice, and practices are not always easy, especially at first. Maturity develops over time. I am writing this because it’s my own medicine, right now.

As always, my friend, I welcome your honest thoughts informed by your own journey. If you disagree with my perspective or have a different one, I’d appreciate if you say so simply and through respectful dialogue.

To your health and evolution!

Getting Out of Sex Debt

How many of us are experiencing and achieving all that there is to be experienced and achieved through sex? Are we having sex as often as we would like? Is the sex we are having as pleasurable as we conceive it could be? As men, do we feel like we should want more sex than we actually do?

Is our sex life satisfying?

Answers to the above questions will fall across the spectrum. A teenager is eager to experience new sensations for the first time; the Tantric master is seeking a state of meditative ecstasy that transcends sex and enlightens all experience. The reality is that we are all on a life-long journey. But unfortunately, many men are frustrated in the present.

In the world of finance, we distinguish between earnings and loss. If our sex “ledger sheet” divides satisfaction and dissatisfaction, the average man will probably report he is in the red, perhaps deeply so. As writer Daniel Pinchbeck has noted, “a huge amount of trapped and wasted psychic energy is embedded in sexuality and love relationships.” If sexual harmony is fundamental to the creation and sustenance of a New Age, and I believe it is, we men need to stem the tide of energetic waste and get out of sex debt.

The Playing Field

In urban America, many young, hetero men are continuing a long tradition of playing the field, often into their thirties or forties. One friend of mine earns a good living in the internet and music world and goes to pickup bars frequently where I’ve seen him light up the room as a delightful and smooth conversationalist. Does my slick friend get laid a lot? It appears so. But he admits that it will be a minimum of months between occasions of “really good sex.”

Other single men I know appear in various states of sexual malnourishment. Some have always been starving, others have tasted delicacies and now seem left with no purpose in life above getting laid. One of my friends overindulged and ended up hating himself after every conquest. Before self-diagnosing as a sex-addict, he spent the majority of his waking hours cyber-dating and having sexual relations with several girls at a time, telling lies to everyone in pursuit of his fix.

As for myself, right out of college I married a girl with the same amount of sexual experience as me (none), and our sex life was unsurprisingly dysfunctional. It was only after we separated eight years later that I developed a full sense of my own sexual nature. I pursued a casual style of dating, had a fair amount of both good and not-so-good sexual encounters, and before long was fortunate enough to find a woman comfortable with her feminine power and sexuality. I am now on a path toward ever greater sexual intensity and depth within a committed relationship.

How did I evolve from my own brand of sexual dysfunction, when so many of my brothers seem stuck?

To me it seems there are a handful of blocks to basic sexual satisfaction. There are, of course, many books dedicated to the subject of improving one’s sex life. I’ve even read some of them. My point here is not to guide any man’s sexual practice, but merely to inspire men dissatisfied with the solvency of their sex lives to try out some potentially new modes of thinking.

The Honest Truth: What They Want

My re-entry into singledom was a fun and exciting period, and I was learning something from every tango. I was satisfied for a time with this explorative, or recreational, level of sexual experience. But the deepest levels of satisfaction ultimately come from connective, or relational, sex. A relationship may last one night or fifty years, but if you don’t already have a partner the first step is finding someone prepared to adventure with you.

There are clearly many women waiting patiently, even if they don’t know it, for a conscious man to open their minds and tickle their senses in ways they can’t yet imagine. Being conscious means a lot of things, but in the context of personal relationships it means first and foremost being honest. Being honest with ourselves, about what we want and who we are stepping up to be, is the first challenge. Being absolutely honest with your partner is the next. I guarantee that every woman thinks honesty is in.

As an aside, being conscious also means No Cheating, ever. If you want to have multiple partners and keep things on a casual level, that’s fine. But be upfront about it with all involved. I’ve lied and omitted in the past, and it tore my soul apart and ultimately destroyed trust I had built with my wife. I learned the hard way that trusting, and having the trust of someone, is the most important thing in this life. With trust, you can do anything. Without it, you’re a lone wolf, scrapping for what morsels you can find. If you’ve cheated in the past, forgive yourself and resolve to be more conscious in the future. There’s only gain to be had.

Dropping the Shame

Being honest with ourselves can be a frightening experience. And the truth is, to climb out of sex debt you have to come out the other side of this tunnel, because sexual satisfaction requires feeling okay with yourself. Even though you aren’t perfect and never will be, you have to be okay with how you are right now, as the proverbial “work in progress.” If you are trying to be conscious, be gentle with yourself around your perceived faults.

I recently sat in a circle of men of widely varying age, and we shared some of our sexual wounds and fears. Almost every man there, studs and loners alike, expressed historical and often current confusion or pain around his sexuality. Some were ashamed of a small dick. Many felt shame around youthful explorations with other boys, or continued sexual desire around a man’s body. The truth that became obvious to this group of men was that there is nothing constructive in shaming yourself. My libido isn’t too strong or too weak. Your penis is absolutely big enough to bring a woman to ecstasy if your heart is big enough. Each of us has enough skill, and new skill can be learned along the way. Assuming that sexual expression is about love and connection, no sexual fetish or perversion is wrong if it doesn’t involve the harming of another person.

Many men will never have the opportunity to sit with others just like them and feel safe enough to share honestly at this depth. But if you don’t, try to remember that you have brothers, and that we all face stigma and shame around something. The less you feel ashamed inside yourself, the less you will be radiating an attitude that encourages shame among the rest of us. And shamelessness is the first door we need to go through if we aspire to the realms of sexual satisfaction.

Making It Last

The average act of human copulation lasts a mere few minutes. During sex, most men find themselves rushing unconsciously toward the explosive orgasm. But rushing toward a finish line deprives both partners of extended ecstasy and deeper satisfaction. Ask yourself: would you rather be having sex longer, or be hitting the pillow quicker?

For a long time I was a hard-and-fast guy. I didn’t know any better than to let my body drive me, and my body certainly has a desire to orgasm. But a few years back I was privileged to observe another man in action. He had a different way of making love, which I came to call the Slow Boil. This man took his time, and he and his partner enjoyed every minute. And so began my inquiry into learning how to slow down and have better, longer sexual encounters.

The first way to have longer encounters is to expand your definition of what sex is. If you’re rushing to put your dick inside her, you’re cutting out a lot of hot sex. And the sex you are getting probably isn’t as exciting since women, in general, need to get ramped up. And once you’ve been with a woman who is truly ramped up, you’ll want to have as much of that as possible. In Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men (www.penguinputnam.com), a “book about how to pleasure women . . . sexually, emotionally, and intimately,” the authors emphasize savoring every facet of lovemaking. In the chapter Foreplay? Honey, It’s All Play! we are treated to one woman’s description of being systematically stimulated along every inch of her body by a sexually confident lesbian on the first date. The narrator was made to rate every kiss, lick and bite she was given along a pleasure scale of 1 to 10. Then her date put an ear right next to the woman’s mouth and listened closely to the narrator’s self-produced orgasm. Thereafter, the confident lesbian was fully informed about how to tweak and amplify her partner’s senses. The idea being, in this case, “If you know her well, you’ll do her well!”

As for male stamina, there are many ancient traditions and practices for men to explore their capacity for making love longer and conserving sexual energy. The Taoists have been studying sexuality for thousands of years, and in The Multi-Orgasmic Man (www.harpercollins.com), I was introduced me to the concept of whole body orgasms and men’s ability to achieve multiple orgasms in one lovemaking session. The ancient Chinese methods in this book require practice – for example, pubococcygeus muscle training you can do every time you pee. The sexual kung-fu is almost guaranteed to increase your capacity for sexual pleasure as well as conserve energy by controlling ejaculation. I went from short, and what seem now like pitiful orgasms, to body-quaking, non-ejaculatory orgasms with conscious practice over the course of a year or so.

The Golden Rule: Respect

Bottom line, there is no question that respect for your partner is the road to paradise. Power dynamics and emotional coercion are tried and true ways men have historically gotten others to submit sexually, but this has always resulted in lackluster and inconsistent satisfaction, if any satisfaction exists in coercive practice at all. As I’ll say repeatedly: Man enters a Woman as a guest, and must be invited. Be a conscious man and you will absolutely be invited.

Far from a perk, sexual pleasure is of profound importance to our well being. In alternative-relationship bible The Ethical Slut, the authors give us an inspiring image: “[S]ex and sexual love are fundamental forces of good – activities with the potential to strengthen bonds, enhance lives, create spiritual awareness, even change the world.” My belief is that sex is a basic need, and when this need is left unmet, men waste a ton of time, and they waste it doing things that don’t tend to get the need met.

What men could do if they were out of debt, if their sex-drives were more or less satisfied, boggles the mind.

Image by Mika Ueno, used under a Creative Commons license.