How many of us are experiencing and achieving all that there is to be experienced and achieved through sex? Are we having sex as often as we would like? Is the sex we are having as pleasurable as we conceive it could be? As men, do we feel like we should want more sex than we actually do?
Is our sex life satisfying?
Answers to the above questions will fall across the spectrum. A teenager is eager to experience new sensations for the first time; the Tantric master is seeking a state of meditative ecstasy that transcends sex and enlightens all experience. The reality is that we are all on a life-long journey. But unfortunately, many men are frustrated in the present.
In the world of finance, we distinguish between earnings and loss. If our sex “ledger sheet” divides satisfaction and dissatisfaction, the average man will probably report he is in the red, perhaps deeply so. As writer Daniel Pinchbeck has noted, “a huge amount of trapped and wasted psychic energy is embedded in sexuality and love relationships.” If sexual harmony is fundamental to the creation and sustenance of a New Age, and I believe it is, we men need to stem the tide of energetic waste and get out of sex debt.
The Playing Field
In urban
Other single men I know appear in various states of sexual malnourishment. Some have always been starving, others have tasted delicacies and now seem left with no purpose in life above getting laid. One of my friends overindulged and ended up hating himself after every conquest. Before self-diagnosing as a sex-addict, he spent the majority of his waking hours cyber-dating and having sexual relations with several girls at a time, telling lies to everyone in pursuit of his fix.
As for myself, right out of college I married a girl with the same amount of sexual experience as me (none), and our sex life was unsurprisingly dysfunctional. It was only after we separated eight years later that I developed a full sense of my own sexual nature. I pursued a casual style of dating, had a fair amount of both good and not-so-good sexual encounters, and before long was fortunate enough to find a woman comfortable with her feminine power and sexuality. I am now on a path toward ever greater sexual intensity and depth within a committed relationship.
How did I evolve from my own brand of sexual dysfunction, when so many of my brothers seem stuck?
To me it seems there are a handful of blocks to basic sexual satisfaction. There are, of course, many books dedicated to the subject of improving one’s sex life. I’ve even read some of them. My point here is not to guide any man’s sexual practice, but merely to inspire men dissatisfied with the solvency of their sex lives to try out some potentially new modes of thinking.
The Honest Truth: What They Want
My re-entry into singledom was a fun and exciting period, and I was learning something from every tango. I was satisfied for a time with this explorative, or recreational, level of sexual experience. But the deepest levels of satisfaction ultimately come from connective, or relational, sex. A relationship may last one night or fifty years, but if you don’t already have a partner the first step is finding someone prepared to adventure with you.
There are clearly many women waiting patiently, even if they don’t know it, for a conscious man to open their minds and tickle their senses in ways they can’t yet imagine. Being conscious means a lot of things, but in the context of personal relationships it means first and foremost being honest. Being honest with ourselves, about what we want and who we are stepping up to be, is the first challenge. Being absolutely honest with your partner is the next. I guarantee that every woman thinks honesty is in.
As an aside, being conscious also means No Cheating, ever. If you want to have multiple partners and keep things on a casual level, that’s fine. But be upfront about it with all involved. I’ve lied and omitted in the past, and it tore my soul apart and ultimately destroyed trust I had built with my wife. I learned the hard way that trusting, and having the trust of someone, is the most important thing in this life. With trust, you can do anything. Without it, you’re a lone wolf, scrapping for what morsels you can find. If you’ve cheated in the past, forgive yourself and resolve to be more conscious in the future. There’s only gain to be had.
Dropping the Shame
Being honest with ourselves can be a frightening experience. And the truth is, to climb out of sex debt you have to come out the other side of this tunnel, because sexual satisfaction requires feeling okay with yourself. Even though you aren’t perfect and never will be, you have to be okay with how you are right now, as the proverbial “work in progress.” If you are trying to be conscious, be gentle with yourself around your perceived faults.
I recently sat in a circle of men of widely varying age, and we shared some of our sexual wounds and fears. Almost every man there, studs and loners alike, expressed historical and often current confusion or pain around his sexuality. Some were ashamed of a small dick. Many felt shame around youthful explorations with other boys, or continued sexual desire around a man’s body. The truth that became obvious to this group of men was that there is nothing constructive in shaming yourself. My libido isn’t too strong or too weak. Your penis is absolutely big enough to bring a woman to ecstasy if your heart is big enough. Each of us has enough skill, and new skill can be learned along the way. Assuming that sexual expression is about love and connection, no sexual fetish or perversion is wrong if it doesn’t involve the harming of another person.
Many men will never have the opportunity to sit with others just like them and feel safe enough to share honestly at this depth. But if you don’t, try to remember that you have brothers, and that we all face stigma and shame around something. The less you feel ashamed inside yourself, the less you will be radiating an attitude that encourages shame among the rest of us. And shamelessness is the first door we need to go through if we aspire to the realms of sexual satisfaction.
Making It Last
The average act of human copulation lasts a mere few minutes. During sex, most men find themselves rushing unconsciously toward the explosive orgasm. But rushing toward a finish line deprives both partners of extended ecstasy and deeper satisfaction. Ask yourself: would you rather be having sex longer, or be hitting the pillow quicker?
For a long time I was a hard-and-fast guy. I didn’t know any better than to let my body drive me, and my body certainly has a desire to orgasm. But a few years back I was privileged to observe another man in action. He had a different way of making love, which I came to call the Slow Boil. This man took his time, and he and his partner enjoyed every minute. And so began my inquiry into learning how to slow down and have better, longer sexual encounters.
The first way to have longer encounters is to expand your definition of what sex is. If you’re rushing to put your dick inside her, you’re cutting out a lot of hot sex. And the sex you are getting probably isn’t as exciting since women, in general, need to get ramped up. And once you’ve been with a woman who is truly ramped up, you’ll want to have as much of that as possible. In Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men (www.penguinputnam.com), a “book about how to pleasure women . . . sexually, emotionally, and intimately,” the authors emphasize savoring every facet of lovemaking. In the chapter Foreplay? Honey, It’s All Play! we are treated to one woman’s description of being systematically stimulated along every inch of her body by a sexually confident lesbian on the first date. The narrator was made to rate every kiss, lick and bite she was given along a pleasure scale of 1 to 10. Then her date put an ear right next to the woman’s mouth and listened closely to the narrator’s self-produced orgasm. Thereafter, the confident lesbian was fully informed about how to tweak and amplify her partner’s senses. The idea being, in this case, “If you know her well, you’ll do her well!”
As for male stamina, there are many ancient traditions and practices for men to explore their capacity for making love longer and conserving sexual energy. The Taoists have been studying sexuality for thousands of years, and in The Multi-Orgasmic Man (www.harpercollins.com), I was introduced me to the concept of whole body orgasms and men’s ability to achieve multiple orgasms in one lovemaking session. The ancient Chinese methods in this book require practice – for example, pubococcygeus muscle training you can do every time you pee. The sexual kung-fu is almost guaranteed to increase your capacity for sexual pleasure as well as conserve energy by controlling ejaculation. I went from short, and what seem now like pitiful orgasms, to body-quaking, non-ejaculatory orgasms with conscious practice over the course of a year or so.
The Golden Rule: Respect
Bottom line, there is no question that respect for your partner is the road to paradise. Power dynamics and emotional coercion are tried and true ways men have historically gotten others to submit sexually, but this has always resulted in lackluster and inconsistent satisfaction, if any satisfaction exists in coercive practice at all. As I’ll say repeatedly: Man enters a Woman as a guest, and must be invited. Be a conscious man and you will absolutely be invited.
What men could do if they were out of debt, if their sex-drives were more or less satisfied, boggles the mind.
Image by Mika Ueno, used under a Creative Commons license.
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