Get in Touch

Touching, sadly, does not generally fall within the boundaries of social interaction in our current culture. As the Bad Religion song goes, Handshakes are nothing but a subtle Fuck You. It’s unfortunate that human contact – such a necessity to our species that infants will die if left untouched – is mostly rejected in polite company. Unfortunate because almost all of us enjoy being touched, and physical contact is a special form of communication existing at a level unavailable to other modes.

Basically, I’m advocating more touch. Offering simple massage whenever and however appropriate was a boon to my love life, and I’ve enjoyed every minute of giving it.

Of course, touch can be a powerful precursor to intimacy, and knowing how to approach someone with a gift of massage means being practiced in the art of perceiving signals. Some social contexts may allow touch as the first contact made, whereas in other contexts this would be tantamount to harassment. So be careful about when, where and how you touch. In most cases you should get verbal consent before going beyond a hug. Few people will turn down a neck rub if the situation is conducive. But make sure there’s a Green light.

In terms of the touch itself, I eventually went through massage therapy training and can verify that by far the most important aspect is the giver’s intent. You are speaking to a person through your touch, and your intent will be obvious, so please be present with what you are doing and make contact with a giving, loving spirit. Going through the motions, or otherwise having disconnected thoughts, will be obvious through your dead fish hands. Your massage may not be technically perfect, but if you are present, the receiver’s body will speak back to you. You may even get a pleased moan out of someone – enjoy this reaction that you’ve caused! Most people will relax and respond very well to a gentle stroking of the neck, shoulders, shoulder blades, arms and hands. If you want to offer a more assured touch, consider taking a workshop in massage technique. Hopefully this type of education will soon become more standard curricula. I believe giving and receiving manual therapy will one day soon be as natural as taking a shower. In fact, the shower is a fantastic place to ease tight muscles – your own or someone else’s.

Another place a man can gain confidence in the world of touch is at a gathering called a “Cuddle Party.” Look it up online, they already exist in a number of major cities worldwide, and the phenomenon is growing. A Cuddle Party includes a workshop element where one practices communicating personal boundaries, like saying “no, thank you,” with no further excuse. Asking directly and non-threateningly for what you want helps forge a safe space to touch each other, and there is no stress about where the touch is leading since overt sexual rubbing is not allowed. The fascinating thing is that spooning, massaging and caressing somehow makes conversation instantly deeper and more nourishing. Communication at a Cuddle Party seems to quickly move beyond the small talk one finds at other social gatherings.

Cuddle Parties also offer a place to explore what I’ll call “affectionate massage,” which goes beyond what is appropriate in the context of therapeutic massage, but is still short of overtly sexual. This sort of non-sexual intimacy can be extremely rewarding, even between romantic partners. And if you are not currently in a romantic relationship, Cuddle Party offers a place to “get in touch” with women, and vice-versa.

While dating, not every woman I met was receptive to the casual physicality of massage. But unquestionably there are many of women who will respond to confidence, a respect for their space, and a desire to offer a soothing and healing touch.

Ultimately our goal should be to give freely and to receive freely!

Image by *~\[ Yuga ☼ Sunshine ]/~* used under a Creative Commons license.