Brothers, regardless of whether we’re talking about meeting a woman for the first time or getting into bed the 400th time, if there’s one thing that I’ve been confronted with repeatedly, it’s that women are (almost subconsciously) repelled by desperation. I repelled my ex-wife by radiating a desperation for sex. In my early attempts at online dating I repelled women by being desperate to meet in person. No question, desperation is unattractive. If repulsion isn’t your goal, it is imperative to develop a Zen attitude, specifically toward sex.
The Tao of Steve is a film in which the main character elaborates a method of scoring with women: Be Desireless (no desperation), Be Excellent (show some kind of worthiness), and Be Gone (supposedly from Heidegger “We pursue that which retreats from us”). The oversexed protagonist in the film eventually learns that reducing lovemaking to “scoring” is a recipe for dissatisfaction. But there is something valuable in being desireless. You don’t have to don the orange robes and shave your head, but not being driven purely by desires is imperative. Sexually, an overabundant desire is hard to satisfy, and women are rightly intimidated by it. Being “driven” certainly implies there is a driver – at least endeavor to have some control over your own psycho-physical energy, and Get Zen.
In the meantime, you’ve got to communicate to a woman the attitude that, Yes, you would certainly like to make love her, but it’s 100% fine if that doesn’t happen. There’s nothing wrong with making this explicit. Even if the desire is burning in you, it really does have to be okay to go home and read a book or jerk off. Maybe even tell her you’re going home to jerk off.
Zen-ness also improves a man’s practice of a particular, infinitely subtle art: figuring out how to act around women. A wise friend, call him Obi Wan, introduced me to the Traffic Light metaphor. In the
Unlike a real traffic light, a woman’s traffic light doesn’t progress predictably. A Green light may change to Red instantly, or a Yellow light may go back to Green depending on what the man does. Traffic lights may also be circumstance specific – a Red light shouldn’t necessarily mean “Never approach me with this intention again.” Recognizing the cues means being attentive to verbal communication as well as body language, and interpretation of cues takes practice. Contrary to classic mainstream perception, the most successful lover isn’t the man who pursues with the most tenacity. The most successful male lover is a keen perceiver. Casanova absolutely does have to pursue, but he acts only upon receiving signals.
The ground-level assumption of the Traffic Light metaphor is that hetero sex is the domain of the woman. In terms of the coital act, man enters woman as a guest, and must be invited. A guest never invites himself. A man’s advances will be more successful if he correctly identifies invitations. And this is much easier if he maintains a Zen attitude at all times.
My vision is that men around the world will increasingly embrace Zen far beyond the bedroom. But it may start there for many. Like modern versions of Lysistrata, the fictitious heroine who helped end the Peloponnesian War by leading Athenian and Spartan wives to withhold sex from the warriors, women of the new age may be responsible for the enlightenment of more than a few boys.
Thank the women, brothers, for not accepting less than what we are capable of.
Image by Roberto Zingales, used under a Creative Commons license.
No comments:
Post a Comment