My first wife and I had already been in couples counseling for about a year leading up to the proposal. Twenty years later, I have gotten divorced and remarried, and I’m now in an evolving, nourishing, beautiful life partnership with the mother of my kids. Along the way I co-founded a law firm focused exclusively on helping couples mediate their conflict, or divorce efficiently and with the least harm possible.
I have been a serious student of life partnerships for more than two decades.
I found some of my teachers by random chance, and others through books. Much of my Love learning has been through raw experience. But if I were now seeking out mentors and role models, where would I look for guidance to navigate the key relationships in my life? Who could provide a truly useful model for forging an extraordinary partnership with my significant other, where I am expressed fully, and she is too? Who could show me a path in which I can maintain my own ground, while continuing to grow and push my personal boundaries (as well as the joint boundaries I share with my intimate partner)? Who can show me all the ways Love hasn’t blossomed fully in my life, and the path to opening to all the joy, exuberance, richness, stability, and fun that is possible through my long-term relationship?
Most people have no decent (forget about great) relationship role models or mentors anywhere in sight. Rarely do we find such guiding figures among our parents, relatives, friends, clergy, gurus, fictional heroes, or academic mentors. Even the poets seem to be lost.
How is that possible?
Perhaps because Love is nothing less than a spiritual quest. God is Love, Love is God. And if the quest of Love is “spiritual,” the mastery required must be of a spiritual nature. (And thus requiring mastery of what Ken Wilber calls the “psychotechnology” required for discovery of your highest Self, as he defines spirituality.)
But Love, while sacred, is also tethered to the sexy and the profane. (There are biochemicals and other fluids involved.) Navigating human love requires being grounded in the root chakra of human beingness.
By my calculus, then, a master of Love must be versatile in both the spirit and the earthly domains. A teacher or role model incorporating only one or the other should be considered cautiously, if at all. He or she should be part of a grounded and ascendent partnership. Further, a teacher who is not also a role model, who is not on the court and navigating serious partnership (I'm thinking about you David Deida), should be considered cautiously, if at all.
If you are in an extraordinary, sacred yet grounded partnership, you probably get comments about it from people. Don't keep to yourself. If a person is the average of the five people he or she spends the most time with, then couples are the average of the couples they spend time with. Your mission is to share yourselves, and help lift others in this time.
If you are not in such a partnership, but want to be, look hard for these couples and spend time with them.
I am humbled at the way participants of all backgrounds have expressed how the blending of sacred and grounded practices have helped shift stuck energy, create new conversations, and unlock more of what’s possible in their intimate partnerships. My beloved and I call our workshops “Bhakti + Beloved,” because Love is about the heart’s devotion, and the most powerful practices to open the heart and expand it’s capacity for devotion are found in the Indian traditions of bhakti yoga. Calling in Divine energy to help harness the power of devotional practice, alongside the practical work (supported by coaching and mediation) of clearing up toxic issues and improving communication, is a special and powerful combination.
If you are interested in learning more about our workshops for both couples and singles, or our sacred and sexy couples retreats, visit us here. (Hint: we laugh, sing, connect, and cultivate your ability to open up fully into a devotional relationship, with practices including cacao ceremony, kirtan, partner yoga, improv games, embodiment exercises, creative projects, communication games, and the giving and receiving of blessings and missions.)
Will you seek out relationship mentors who are developing themselves equally on the spirit and earthly level, and become a light for other partnerships in this new era?
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