Seeking Models for Sacred *and* Grounded Partnerships

My first wife and I had already been in couples counseling for about a year leading up to the proposal. Twenty years later, I have gotten divorced and remarried, and I’m now in an evolving, nourishing, beautiful life partnership with the mother of my kids. Along the way I co-founded a law firm focused exclusively on helping couples mediate their conflict, or divorce efficiently and with the least harm possible.

I have been a serious student of life partnerships for more than two decades.

I found some of my teachers by random chance, and others through books. Much of my Love learning has been through raw experience. But if I were now seeking out mentors and role models, where would I look for guidance to navigate the key relationships in my life? Who could provide a truly useful model for forging an extraordinary partnership with my significant other, where I am expressed fully, and she is too? Who could show me a path in which I can maintain my own ground, while continuing to grow and push my personal boundaries (as well as the joint boundaries I share with my intimate partner)? Who can show me all the ways Love hasn’t blossomed fully in my life, and the path to opening to all the joy, exuberance, richness, stability, and fun that is possible through my long-term relationship?

Most people have no decent (forget about great) relationship role models or mentors anywhere in sight. Rarely do we find such guiding figures among our parents, relatives, friends, clergy, gurus, fictional heroes, or academic mentors. Even the poets seem to be lost.

How is that possible?

Perhaps because Love is nothing less than a spiritual quest. God is Love, Love is God. And if the quest of Love is “spiritual,” the mastery required must be of a spiritual nature. (And thus requiring mastery of what Ken Wilber calls the “psychotechnology” required for discovery of your highest Self, as he defines spirituality.)

But Love, while sacred, is also tethered to the sexy and the profane. (There are biochemicals and other fluids involved.) Navigating human love requires being grounded in the root chakra of human beingness.

By my calculus, then, a master of Love must be versatile in both the spirit and the earthly domains. A teacher or role model incorporating only one or the other should be considered cautiously, if at all. He or she should be part of a grounded and ascendent partnership. Further, a teacher who is not also a role model, who is not on the court and navigating serious partnership (I'm thinking about you David Deida), should be considered cautiously, if at all.

If you are in an extraordinary, sacred yet grounded partnership, you probably get comments about it from people. Don't keep to yourself. If a person is the average of the five people he or she spends the most time with, then couples are the average of the couples they spend time with. Your mission is to share yourselves, and help lift others in this time.

If you are not in such a partnership, but want to be, look hard for these couples and spend time with them.

I am humbled at the way participants of all backgrounds have expressed how the blending of sacred and grounded practices have helped shift stuck energy, create new conversations, and unlock more of what’s possible in their intimate partnerships. My beloved and I call our workshops “Bhakti + Beloved,” because Love is about the heart’s devotion, and the most powerful practices to open the heart and expand it’s capacity for devotion are found in the Indian traditions of bhakti yoga. Calling in Divine energy to help harness the power of devotional practice, alongside the practical work (supported by coaching and mediation) of clearing up toxic issues and improving communication, is a special and powerful combination.

If you are interested in learning more about our workshops for both couples and singles, or our sacred and sexy couples retreats, visit us here. (Hint: we laugh, sing, connect, and cultivate your ability to open up fully into a devotional relationship, with practices including cacao ceremony, kirtan, partner yoga, improv games, embodiment exercises, creative projects, communication games, and the giving and receiving of blessings and missions.)

Will you seek out relationship mentors who are developing themselves equally on the spirit and earthly level, and become a light for other partnerships in this new era?

Partnership with the Feminine Yang

The Yang energy of the feminine is rising.

Women are stepping into a power like nothing we've ever seen on earth. This power looks nothing like the masculine Yang energy. It's not about dominance or strength. The feminine Yang energy is rising to birth a cultural and planetary transformation. Deep down, the masculine wants this, yet it is also disconcerting, unknown terrain. Men are confused.

What does this have to do with your relationship at home, with your wife?

What is happening on a macro level is mirrored at a micro level. As above, so below.

If you are reading this, it is likely that you are feeling your woman's Yang energy intensifying. Perhaps right now your wife is training to become a yoga teacher. Or she is getting political. Or she is making art. Starting a business. Perhaps she is simply asserting new ideas in the bedroom. Finding her passions.

As I've discussed elsewhere, those who think deeply about these dynamics identify that a masculine Yin energy is rising to complement the feminine Yang. If you desire to be in (or to improve your) relationship with a strongly Yang woman, consider cultivating your Yin nature. Yin is not effeminate—it can be as deeply masculine as feminine. As deeply masculine as the testicles. Like the testicles, the masculine Yin nature is ever generative, resourceful, and steadfast. These qualities are supportive of and desired by Yang femininity.

The Yin man is not dominant; he is in partnership with the woman.

Yang feminity is unpredictable. There is no set way to partner with a Yang oriented woman. Yin and Yang exist as in a dance. Dance with your woman, and trade leads. Sometimes you will need to follow her lead; other times you will be looked to for leadership. Be flexible and creative.

The Yin man is playful. He laughs that he cannot control or predict the Yang woman.

The Yin man is patient. He knows that wonderful things await him if he allows space and doesn't demand immediate gratification.

The biggest shift for a man is probably not relinquishing the outdated role of Boss, but rather stepping into a supportive role without hierarchy. The feminine Yang is changing the world, but not through an organized, linear, structured approach. (That would be masculine.) It makes sense to a man to “ line up” behind a cause, or an organization, that he can make sense of and support. Men of this age are being asked to support what they don't necessarily understand. We are being asked to follow our hearts and keep our hearts open. To bring our masculine gifts, to provide, to organize where needed. But all in service of something that is inherently mysterious.

We are done setting lofty goals and making plans for Towers of Babel. The world is changing because we've taken Man’s mastery over his environment as far as we could, and now this is a deficient way of operating.

Her yoga or her art may not make sense to you. Her passions or way of doing business may seem perplexing. Listen to your heart, not your head.

Let her know you are behind her, and that you believe in what she is doing. This will transform your relationship, and the world.

As always, I welcome honest thoughts informed by your journey. If you disagree with my perspective or have a different one, I’d appreciate if you say so simply and through respectful dialogue. 

To your health and evolution!

The Deep Sexuality of the Masculine Yin

Traditional masculinity, fashioned in and by millenia of "patriarchal" culture, has had a tendency to expect sexual gratification from a mate. Often instant gratification. Because femininity of the new era is not always available for this... enter internet porn.

The masculine of the dawning new era still tends to have a desire for immediate sexual gratification (or “sexual nourishment,” as I’ll frame it). However, he has a rising, and perhaps now even stronger, desire for his mate to WANT him.

I call this a yearning for Deep Sexuality.

I believe the shift away from a desire for instant and surface sexuality to deep sexuality, with a nod to author Genia Haddon, is evidence that the masculine yin energy is increasing in relevance relative to the once-dominant masculine yang energy. One aspect of masculine yin energy is that it gets more energized and nourished by supporting and nourishing the feminine, than by exerting power over the feminine.

(Read this article by Charles Eisenstein, or my interview on this podcast, for more on how yin/yang dimensions can radically expand our conception of sexual polarity.)

The masculine sexual desires of nourishment and being wanted are not mutually exclusive, because the feminine yang energy rising in women everywhere will, when the moment is right, absolutely want the masculine sexually in that moment. And she will bring a creative, surprising, feminine sexuality to the dance. (By contrast, the feminine yin surrenders to the masculine yang, but does not necessarily want it and therefore does not tap into her deepest sexual fire.)

How does a man get nourished when he wants and needs nourishment, by a woman who deeply desires to nourish him and brings a potent feminine creativity to the affair?

If you view the above question as the holy grail of masculine sexuality, then join me, brother, in our quest.

Here are a few suggestions from the front lines, where I have had but mere glimpses of the Deep Sexuality grail.

1. Get to know and become enamored with the feminine yang 

If you are reading this, it’s likely that you are a man with a mate who exhibits primarily feminine yang energy. Feminine yang energy is powerful and dynamic, not meek and receptive. She will react or pounce at the right time and in the right context, and the dance is ecstatic. You must be aware and sensitive to this. You are a fisherman.

2. Breathe into the security and confidence of your masculine yin nature 

Cultivate an inner sense of sexual security and confidence that does not rely on your ability to exercise dominance over the feminine, but on the ability to inspire lust in the feminine. The opposite of security and confidence is a whining, expectation of sexual nourishment. This is a childish expression, not a mature one. I am very familiar with this expression. I have often heard myself expressing in this tone, and neither myself or my mate is sexually ignited by it.

3. Step into the solidity and steadfastness of your masculine yin nature

The feminine yang energy is aroused and excited by, among other things, the solidity and steadfastness of the masculine. The mystery is that masculine solidity and steadfastness does not equal passivity. I like to think of being steadfast in my flirtation with my mate, ready to amplify with her the sexual energy when it is present. But at the same time I work to stay solid in my own skin, meaning I don’t need my mate to perform some sexual act, in this moment, to satisfy me and keep me from flipping out. Patience is not passive. Breathe. Take care of yourself. and have faith


All men have a yin and yang expression, but some are more naturally expressing of one over the other. Trust me, even as a man who naturally expresses yin energy, cultivating a mature sexuality that embodies security, confidence, solidity, and steadfastness is a practice, and practices are not always easy, especially at first. Maturity develops over time. I am writing this because it’s my own medicine, right now.

As always, my friend, I welcome your honest thoughts informed by your own journey. If you disagree with my perspective or have a different one, I’d appreciate if you say so simply and through respectful dialogue.

To your health and evolution!