The Power of Releasing Your Grip on Monogamy
More than ever, people are exploring relationship structures that push past the boundaries of the traditional monogamous couple. Some see this as a new paradigm in the area of intimate relationships.
But what is even more paradigm shifting than simply changing your relationship structure itself, is the mindset shift that accompanies such a change. This mindset shift can serve as a potent enhancer of your joy, security, and freedom, and reduce feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety related to your relationships. And guess what? You don’t have to have multiple partners to enjoy this mindset shift. The shift of releasing your grip on monogamy can benefit anyone, definitely including those who remain within a pair-bonded couple structure.
But first, a little background for those who are new to the terrain.
What is CNM?
Consensual non-monogamy (CNM), sometimes also referred to as “ethical” non-monogamy, is defined by attachment theory expert and Polysecure author Jessica Fern as the “practice of simultaneously having multiple sexual or romantic partners where everyone involved is aware of and consents to the relationship structure.” Polyamory is the name for one form of consensual non-monogamy that has been popularized in many books, TV shows, and online forums. As distinct from more casual, open-relationship lifestyles like “swinging” (i.e., a couple having sex together or separately with other couples or their members), polyamory is focused on multiple romantic or “love-based” relationships, occurring simultaneously.
The late Deborah Anapol, PhD, a therapist with decades of personal and clinical experience with polyamorous relationships, notes that relationship structure is not the key feature of polyamory; rather, what counts is “allowing love to dictate the form [of one’s relationships] rather than attempting to force love into whatever mold the mind has decided is right.” Dr. Anapol’s perspective underscores how the philosophy underlying the practice of polyamory represents a paradigm shift in how we relate to each other intimately: the idea that people can release their culturally conditioned instincts, social norms, and religious strictures, and embrace “the freedom of surrendering to love.”
Underscoring that structure is not the fundamental distinction, Dr. Anapol points out that poly relationships can still be “old paradigm” if they exhibit traditionally monogamous characteristics like:
Impermeable “fidelitous” boundary around a group
Well-defined set of rules / contract
Expectation that members will replace individual desires with group agendas
The key is, again, the mindset. “New paradigm” relationships (whether monogamous or polyamorous), emphasize the following:
Using relationships to further the psychological and spiritual development of the partners
Responding authentically in the present moment
Allowing for individual autonomy
Seeing loved ones as mirrors or reflections of oneself
CNM is thus less a description of what your relationships look like at a particular moment, and more a description of how you think about relationships.
Even a couple who seems to be classically monogamous, in that neither member of the couple has other intimate partners, may not be “monogamous” at all in terms of how they think about their relationship.
My Story
In the waning years of my first marriage, I became part of a three-person “V” relationship, in which my wife had an openly dating spouse (me), and a boyfriend at the same time. This exploration was trying to fix a problem: namely a lack of basic chemistry between my wife and me. While at first the adventure provided oxygen to our gasping relationship, as a couple we fell back into our stale groove, and we separated in 2006.
Fifteen years into a “playfully-monogamous” second marriage, my wife Katie opened her heart to a woman. This time, the impetus was not to fix any problem. Instead, this has been a journey of discovery and healing. My marriage is nourished by the expression of Katie’s natural bisexuality. More importantly, all members of our “polycule” have always been strongly committed to personal evolution and a desire to embody the philosophy of “love free from fear.” It has been profoundly expansive, in unique ways for all of us, including my two children.
At the time of this writing, almost three years into this exploration, our polycule continues to navigate transitions and ongoing questions about what serves each person and each relationship. Katie and her girlfriend have faced numerous challenges, especially around expectations. And while I’ve enjoyed making casual connections, I’m not sure that I currently have room for intimacy with a second partner, given my many commitments as a father, business owner, community leader, and gigging musician.
The Paradigm Shift
Returning to our initial question: Why might CNM, and polyamory in particular, incur a mindset shift that enhances joy, security, and freedom?
Even though at this particular moment my wife and I might look like a classically monogamous couple, committed to each other within a sacred contract, our mindset is one that doesn’t look to monogamy for security within the relationship. We don’t think of marriage or couplehood as conferring any “right” to love, attention, and intimacy. We create the foundation of those things in our relationship every day.
Our exploration into being a polyamorous family has created a deeper level of security between us, that doesn’t rely on legal or customary bonds of monogamy. And the sense of freedom from within a committed and supportive, loving relationship, is extraordinary.
Instead of saying “we’re monogamous,” and using that as short-hand for our commitment, we are explicit and focus on the specific commitments we have made together: to love and care for each other, to be there for each other, to support each other’s individual evolution, to parent our kids as an unstoppable team, to inspire the world with our music, etc.
The Practice
Moving beyond the culturally conditioned “safety” of monogamy is not easy for most people (including this author) who have grown up in a world structured around monogamy. There are bumps in the road. (There are bumps in any road.) But this one requires something akin to achieving an advanced degree in authentic relating. It demands that you learn to work with the challenging emotion of jealousy, and to cultivate its opposite: the feeling of joy associated with witnessing your partner have a positive romantic relationship with another.
If you’re just in the inquiry phase around what it might look like to push beyond the boundaries of monogamy, ask yourself the following questions.
Are you prepared to give up the false sense of security that monogamy provides? Monogamy makes it seem like you are secure from being abandoned, for example. You are probably no more likely to be abandoned in an open relationship than in a closed one, but that fear can feel very strong. You will be forced to trust your partner and his or her love for you, without that false sense of a safety net. You will be likely faced with the challenge of honoring your commitments, even if you are posed with a momentary desire to dishonor them in the throes of excitement with something new.
Are you looking to express your own wholeness through relationships, or are you looking to your relationships primarily to fulfill your needs? Some people hope that a new relationship might fulfill unmet needs in a current relationship, which might happen, but as experienced polyamorous practioners know, people are not “need-fulfillment machines.” Looking for someone to fill a need is not the most inspired reason to start a relationship. In addition, while most people have generic relationships, an essential quality of consensual non-monogamy is that people build UNIQUE relationships with each person. We can’t all scratch each other’s issues, and that’s okay. What can we provide each other? What can’t we provide? Relationships and marriage sometimes have a finite goal that is only clear in hindsight: e.g., adventure, protection, kids, family, etc. Others are meant to go the distance (if they evolve).
Are you ready to view your relationship entirely as privilege, and not as a right? When you leave monogamy at the gate, you no longer have a “claim” on someone—another false idea, anyway—and you are forced to enjoy the privilege of the company of a partner who is completely free to continue to want to be in relationship with you, or not. In a long term relationship, you have to commit to CREATING the relationship, every day. And you can’t focus on ensuring against loss (because you can’t guarantee that), and you can’t rely on monogamy to protect you from loss.
Are you ready to acquire advanced degrees in communication, radical honesty, and introspection? There is no place to hide, and no reason to hide. And you will need to increase your skills to expand in love. Relationships require skills that don’t transfer from other competencies. For example, in addition to becoming a master at the art of communication, you will need to learn to allow for the paradoxical co-existence of things like independence and dependence.
Are you ready to become a master of time management and to negotiate underlying needs of your partners? Or to support your partners to do so? Love is not a zero-sum game; the birth of a second child doesn’t mean you love your first child less. However, some degree of intimacy is sacrificed with one partner as you gain other partners with whom you will seek to share intimate moments, dreams, and fears.
Are you ready to invite jealousy into your life with open arms? You were probably taught at least a little about how to deal with challenging emotions like anger and sadness. In a monogamous culture, we are not taught at all how to handle jealousy, because if jealousy ever arises, it means something is wrong. In the context of polyamory, you are often better served understanding and dealing with your jealousy as opposed to looking for that phantom Thing That Must Be Wrong.
Are you approaching open relationships to fix a problem, or is it a creative act? Like having a baby, polyamory is not likely not fix your relationship issues. It is more likely to accelerate what is already in motion (like a breakup). But if you take the stance that everything provides either the results you want or the education you need, then you are well-positioned to be educated and transformed in ways that positively alter the foundations of all your relationships. It’s important to bear in mind that while relationships reveal all issues, they don’t necessarily handle all the issues. You may need to work some things out elsewhere, like with a poly-informed coach or therapist. My own journey revealed an addiction to fantasy (a fixation on things that will never become true) and an adolescent relationship to physical intimacy. With the help of my coach, I was able to work these things out and grow massively.
Most people don’t have models of successful non-monogamous relationships around them. Read books and join online forums. Consider investing in expert guidance to expand your capacities, self-understanding, and skills. If you are part of a couple, consider finding support to get clear on the mutual vision and commitments that are required to sustain the primary partnership when adding additional humans into the mix. A poly-informed relationship coach can help you lay the foundations to build and maintain extraordinary relationships, and avoid or clean up messes.
John Hoelle is a Colorado-licensed family law attorney and mediator, and co-founder of Conscious Family Law & Mediation. He brings an earnest yet playful approach to his work as a relationship coach. He leads a weekly coaching group for those exploring or navigating Consensual Non-Monogamy.
The views expressed in this blog are those of the author only and do not represent an endorsement or recommendation of any particular relationship practices by Conscious Family Law & Mediation or any of its employees or partners.
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Further Reading:
Polysecure by Jessica Fern
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
Polyamory in the 21st Century by Deborah Anapol
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