Man--Atman

Architecting the Great Web

2010-02-12T14:37:00.000-08:00

The nation-state is too big. It’s a behemoth. Even our large cities have ballooned to a size many times too big for a healthy, dynamic community at a human scale. These social monsters are just that: monstrosities. What’s more, they’re dinosaurs. The evolution of natural systems (such as unfortunate dinosaurs) gives us a clue of patterns of organization that are effective to a point, but beyond that become cumbersome. Clunky. Inefficient. And soon, extinct.

An evolving system has no other scheme but to test the stress limits of itself and its own boundaries. We’ve tested those boundaries with our nation-sized communities, and I posit that these entities are not proving to be optimal. We’re starting to become aware of problems in a nation 300 million strong; the huge bureaucracy of the United States is unable to attend to the basics of human welfare or the infrastructural basics we need from our government. More than a few thinkers are realizing that the U.S. Constitution is already cracking under the size of this country. While the American tradition of federalism (shared political/legal power between states and the national government) is one approach to localized governance within a larger whole, I believe even American states are too big to serve as a human-scaled governments.

While things are arguably too big already, political science is currently grappling with how our organizational institutions can “scale up” even larger to cope with apparently inevitable globalization. Despite the seeming paradox, I am actually optimistic that some form of global government is possible that can protect normatively good things such as localized diversity of thought, while establishing a baseline of order and standards of human decency worldwide. The question I am interested in is how natural systems theory can help us predict, or even help us architect a new global order in harmony with human-scale communities.

With the disclaimer of my somewhat broad, but certainly limited awareness of the various factors at play, let me describe what I predict will happen. It is impossible to guess when or how exactly the transformation will occur, but I think we will soon begin to forge new forms of local governance within a larger system that I’ll generically call the “web.” I believe local communities will reflect a shrinking back down to human size, and will possess the following characteristics:

-- less than 100,000 people
-- relative self-sufficiency
-- interconnectedness/interdependence with nearby communities (forming the overall web)

Like a scalable network, the interconnected communities will form a web eventually encompassing the entire face of the earth, and still retain a coherence or unity. The local communities/cities will self-govern, but will also be governed by the powerful, normative practices or customs of the web/multitude/network. These cities will be sovereign and autonomous, but the web will serve as the foundation, embodying and enforcing principles that sustain itself. Longevity and continuance will be bellwether, and the social organization that sustains over time will simply prevail. This living web of cities will display amazing diversity within a larger unified framework. McLuhan’s “global village” will manifest as a collective sphere of media and communication (underpinning the global political norms), but no singular culture will dominate as a hegemony. Some form of representative democracy will likely be central to both local and global levels of governance, but I believe the operative foundation will reflect some kind of peer-to-peer autopoietic organization as opposed to a top-down enforcement of “voting rights.” I realize this sketch is too vague at present to be of much use, but there are many thinkers who are expounding on these ideas right now, and I have faith that innovative models will soon be testable and employable, if they aren’t already being tested right now.

Like any natural system, this web will surely be attacked and challenged. But the web itself will respond naturally and effectively. Like cancerous tissue may grow and threaten to harm the body, cancerous agents may poison parts of the web. But, cut off from surrounding cities, the “cancerous” regions will not represent an extreme threat. Like a lone individual cut off from food and water, rogue cities will not long survive without the sustaining network around them. This stands in opposition to the current situation where large nations have enough resources to sustain destructive activity for a frightening long duration. Inter-community conflict resolution mechanisms will probably surface and ebb as needed, along with some form of intermittent Congress to help give form to the evolution of the basic “sustaining” principles of the web.

Compared to the current structure, the web of cities will respond better to nearly all stresses. Climate disasters, for example—a catastrophe for nations with closed borders—should be easily tolerated by a distributed network of communities that can absorb populations easily, dispersed across a region. Populations will be stabilized through the creation of planned sister-communities, seeded as necessary to prevent overcrowding.

Certainly a topic of such scope as I have addressed here entails consideration of many factors. This text represents merely my preliminary thoughts and predictions about our collective future, about a global social body that has yet to be born. I for one believe the birth is near at hand. To the extent that active midwifery may assist in this birthing, I welcome any comments and reactions as to how, beyond working to purify and enlighten ourselves as individuals, we may facilitate this evolutionary process.

February, 2010
Boulder, Colorado

Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/kelloggphotography/, used under a creative commons license.

Diversity In Unity

2009-04-03T15:09:00.001-07:00

According to Chris Bache's description of Robert Monroe's "interlife rings," the bardo region between life and death is a place where our souls can choose to associate only with others like ourselves, or with others at a similar level of development. Bache indicates that this stands in counterpoint to the physical plane where we live, where we are forced to interact with myriad, different beings. Thus, the diversity of physical life encourages faster development at the soul-level. In this way, would such an "interlife" be a kind of heaven with a dark side, akin to gated communities where people choose to be insulated among others just like themselves? This model indicates a back and forth between resting (in unity) and growth (through diversity). But is such a one-at-a-time model the only way of thinking about how diversity and unity interact?

Perhaps a more useful conception, especially as manifested in a conscious organism, is consciousness as unity and community. The diversity of unique thoughts, the diversity of experiences and emotions -- these can be conceived of as analogous to a society. The single neurons in a human brain that can never experience what it feels like to act as a coherent body nevertheless comprise an overall system which "transcends and includes" them. Aren't these neurons a form of community? Moving beyond the concrete biochemistry of the brain, Genpo Merzel builds on the "Psychology of Selves" theory as he seeks the communal intelligence of our different conscious "Voices" to help us integrate Dual and Non-Dual reality. And even from the point of view of the unified ego-consciousness of a single individual, the diversity of experience as we age reflects the shifting of emphasis of different voices or perspectives of our minds.

However you want to conceive of our discrete inner-selves or voices, one can imagine our inner landscape to function like the shifting currents of cultural views (and vice versa). Like a peaceful transition of political power, perhaps each coherent individual repeatedly transitions as different inner voices align and become prominent, thus transforming our "singular" identity. "I" and "We" at the same time. Diversity and Unity, together.

In the outside world as we typically think of it, diversity is something that must be actively sought out, and embraced as the vehicle for growth that it is. But coherence must also be sought. Homogeneity, or hegemony, is not an evil, unless it is blind. If we are to evolve into a loving, unified culture, certain coherence of principles must be attained. Homogeneity with openness is a strong, evolving coherence. I believe this to be our destiny: Diverse but Unified.

Collective Transparency

2009-03-23T11:50:00.000-07:00

To me, Facebook is the leading edge of what is possibly the most evolutionary aspect of the web: the transparency of each of us and all of us.

Increasingly, people are signing on and donning a Facebook mask. This mask is seen not just by those one wishes would see it, but by anyone one accepts into one's circle. For most of us that means people who knew us as children, family, current friends, professional acquaintances, etc. No longer can the image you put forth into the world be so segmented. Now everyone sees the same pictures, the same likes/dislikes that you broadcast, the same political views, the same mask.

It's still a mask, but in my opinion, it's harder to obfuscate your true self to all these people who know different aspects of you. Thus, the mask probably tends to become more authentic of our true self, and perhaps we are encouraged to live up to the ideal we want the world to believe that we are.

The second aspect, and Facebook is just one piece, is the clearing house of the collective consciousness that is on display online. I believe that a collective mind is becoming transparent to an ever larger group of people, because we can see that we are experiencing and thinking things in sync. Leaving the mystical aspects of a collective mind to the side for one moment, I think it is a profound step for people to begin seeing themselves as part of this collective cultural force, instead of discrete atoms.

The Nexus Age

2009-02-21T09:48:00.000-08:00

Increasingly, there is a desire among those interested in human evolution to distance current visionary philosophies from the perceived airiness of what has been called "New Age" thinking. "New Age" has become a pejorative moniker for all that may be deficient about hippy culture.

The replacement label for this Era of Transformation is "Next Age," a concept that maintains a focus on becoming.

Neither is distasteful to me. However, as an even more evocative label for the current period I propose yet a different concept: "Nexus Age."

Nexus means "core" or "center." As Wilber and Gebser put forth, we are living in an Age of Integration. We are in the process of melding ancient and modern wisdom, matter and spirit. The irony is that attainment of enlightenment involves the reconciliation of Above and Below, of Now and Later. We are becoming increasingly aware that the future is not "better" than the present, that life Above is not "better" than life Below. Reality, and life, is a moving process. All stages of the process are in harmony, and this point of evolution is about an awareness of this harmony and process. This facet of truth is becoming transparent to our conscious minds, right now.

In the Nexus Age, humans exist fully in the present moment, aware that we are neither matter or spirit, but the nexus of both. We are neither becoming something different, nor are we only one particular form; we are at the nexus of both. Our conscious minds see through the process, and realize that Now, our future, our destiny, our potential is manifest and manifesting.

In the Nexus Age, we embrace that we are the meeting point of all dualities. Let's meet there now.

Image credit: "Disorientation" by heiwa4126, used under Creative Commons license.

Giftvesting

2008-12-12T21:14:00.000-08:00

"Whenever you feel ‘short' or in ‘need' of something, give what you want first and it will come back in buckets. That is true for money, a smile, love, friendship."
~ Robert Kiyosaki

I like the maxim that the more you give, the more you will receive.

Thus, I tend to believe that by giving more to our children -- giving them better care as young individuals, giving more of them better education, giving them more love -- we will all reap more than we can imagine from this investment.

My only problem with the above is that, conceptually, the idea of "investment" is not equivalent to the idea of "giving." Investment is self-centered, and giving is other-centered. In this age of social-entrepreneurship, do we really not have a word that encompasses both the altruism of giving and the self-interest of investing? Doesn't our future as a collective entity require such a harmonious mixture of cooperation for OUR sake and for MY sake?

Perhaps we need a new word. Perhaps we don't have a word because we're not even thinking like this. Or maybe we're not thinking like this because we have no word.

While clever linguists can begin the work of co-creating/discovering a snazzier word, I'm planning to figure out how to start "giftvesting" in my fellow man, in whatever way I can, everyday.

Care to join me?

Image by Mr. Kris, used under a Creative Commons license.

Life Design

2008-04-19T18:06:00.000-07:00

If life is a work of art, does it not make sense to study the principles of design? To apply or hold the intention of using these principles in the creation of my reality?

It seems possible to broadly interpret, for life, the fundamentals of art:

Composition (how to organize, within parameters)

Format (creating with the available planes, surfaces, materials in mind)

Balance (assymmetry tends to be more interesting!)

Repetition (the beauty of plural experience)

Anomaly (celebrating some particular distinction)

Concentration (focusing on an area)

Economy (using only what’s necessary to achieve what’s desired)

Simultaneous Contrast (emphasizing difference by relation)

Scale (the beauty of the small and the large)

Negative Space (attention to what surrounds)

Metamorphosis (gradual change from one thing to another)

Gradation (the beauty in experience of spectrum or degree)

Emphasis (focus on a theme or pattern)

Focal Point (directing or compelling the observer’s attention somewhere)

Rhythm (the beauty in a repeating pattern, element or principle)

Variety (the beauty in difference)

Unity (wholeness or coherence)

While no single work of art will exemplify all principles, life need not necessarily be singular.

All of this is merely to offer a toast to Aesthetics -- a higher ordering of spirit I have finally caught glimpses of beyond the horizon of my usual vista of Utility.

Vegetable Garden and the City

2008-03-31T16:25:00.000-07:00

In a small triangle of sunny dirt, in early February of this leap year, I began for the first time to grow sustenance.

There’s a tomato vine, spinach, broccoli, arugula, cabbage, onions, and butter lettuce. I water every few days as I come and go. Now, for two weeks I have been harvesting for salads and sandwiches.

I can’t quit paying the grocer just yet. But everything starts somewhere.

I don’t own the land, I rent it. Like all of us.

I didn’t make the plants, so I can’t take credit for the food. All I did was help. Just like we do with everything, or not.

Studying political theory, I encounter men telling us how we should all live. I don’t know of any philosopher that said each individual should learn to grow his own sustenance.

I’m not so sure about shoulds.

But I’m not sure we shouldn’t.

Getting Out of Sex Debt

2008-02-07T19:47:00.000-08:00

How many of us are experiencing and achieving all that there is to be experienced and achieved through sex? Are we having sex as often as we would like? Is the sex we are having as pleasurable as we conceive it could be? As men, do we feel like we should want more sex than we actually do?

Is our sex life satisfying?

Answers to the above questions will fall across the spectrum. A teenager is eager to experience new sensations for the first time; the Tantric master is seeking a state of meditative ecstasy that transcends sex and enlightens all experience. The reality is that we are all on a life-long journey. But unfortunately, many men are frustrated in the present.

In the world of finance, we distinguish between earnings and loss. If our sex “ledger sheet” divides satisfaction and dissatisfaction, the average man will probably report he is in the red, perhaps deeply so. As writer Daniel Pinchbeck has noted, “a huge amount of trapped and wasted psychic energy is embedded in sexuality and love relationships.” If sexual harmony is fundamental to the creation and sustenance of a New Age, and I believe it is, we men need to stem the tide of energetic waste and get out of sex debt.

The Playing Field

In urban America, many young, hetero men are continuing a long tradition of playing the field, often into their thirties or forties. One friend of mine earns a good living in the internet and music world and goes to pickup bars frequently where I’ve seen him light up the room as a delightful and smooth conversationalist. Does my slick friend get laid a lot? It appears so. But he admits that it will be a minimum of months between occasions of “really good sex.”

Other single men I know appear in various states of sexual malnourishment. Some have always been starving, others have tasted delicacies and now seem left with no purpose in life above getting laid. One of my friends overindulged and ended up hating himself after every conquest. Before self-diagnosing as a sex-addict, he spent the majority of his waking hours cyber-dating and having sexual relations with several girls at a time, telling lies to everyone in pursuit of his fix.

As for myself, right out of college I married a girl with the same amount of sexual experience as me (none), and our sex life was unsurprisingly dysfunctional. It was only after we separated eight years later that I developed a full sense of my own sexual nature. I pursued a casual style of dating, had a fair amount of both good and not-so-good sexual encounters, and before long was fortunate enough to find a woman comfortable with her feminine power and sexuality. I am now on a path toward ever greater sexual intensity and depth within a committed relationship.

How did I evolve from my own brand of sexual dysfunction, when so many of my brothers seem stuck?

To me it seems there are a handful of blocks to basic sexual satisfaction. There are, of course, many books dedicated to the subject of improving one’s sex life. I’ve even read some of them. My point here is not to guide any man’s sexual practice, but merely to inspire men dissatisfied with the solvency of their sex lives to try out some potentially new modes of thinking.

The Honest Truth: What They Want

My re-entry into singledom was a fun and exciting period, and I was learning something from every tango. I was satisfied for a time with this explorative, or recreational, level of sexual experience. But the deepest levels of satisfaction ultimately come from connective, or relational, sex. A relationship may last one night or fifty years, but if you don’t already have a partner the first step is finding someone prepared to adventure with you.

There are clearly many women waiting patiently, even if they don’t know it, for a conscious man to open their minds and tickle their senses in ways they can’t yet imagine. Being conscious means a lot of things, but in the context of personal relationships it means first and foremost being honest. Being honest with ourselves, about what we want and who we are stepping up to be, is the first challenge. Being absolutely honest with your partner is the next. I guarantee that every woman thinks honesty is in.

As an aside, being conscious also means No Cheating, ever. If you want to have multiple partners and keep things on a casual level, that’s fine. But be upfront about it with all involved. I’ve lied and omitted in the past, and it tore my soul apart and ultimately destroyed trust I had built with my wife. I learned the hard way that trusting, and having the trust of someone, is the most important thing in this life. With trust, you can do anything. Without it, you’re a lone wolf, scrapping for what morsels you can find. If you’ve cheated in the past, forgive yourself and resolve to be more conscious in the future. There’s only gain to be had.

Dropping the Shame

Being honest with ourselves can be a frightening experience. And the truth is, to climb out of sex debt you have to come out the other side of this tunnel, because sexual satisfaction requires feeling okay with yourself. Even though you aren’t perfect and never will be, you have to be okay with how you are right now, as the proverbial “work in progress.” If you are trying to be conscious, be gentle with yourself around your perceived faults.

I recently sat in a circle of men of widely varying age, and we shared some of our sexual wounds and fears. Almost every man there, studs and loners alike, expressed historical and often current confusion or pain around his sexuality. Some were ashamed of a small dick. Many felt shame around youthful explorations with other boys, or continued sexual desire around a man’s body. The truth that became obvious to this group of men was that there is nothing constructive in shaming yourself. My libido isn’t too strong or too weak. Your penis is absolutely big enough to bring a woman to ecstasy if your heart is big enough. Each of us has enough skill, and new skill can be learned along the way. Assuming that sexual expression is about love and connection, no sexual fetish or perversion is wrong if it doesn’t involve the harming of another person.

Many men will never have the opportunity to sit with others just like them and feel safe enough to share honestly at this depth. But if you don’t, try to remember that you have brothers, and that we all face stigma and shame around something. The less you feel ashamed inside yourself, the less you will be radiating an attitude that encourages shame among the rest of us. And shamelessness is the first door we need to go through if we aspire to the realms of sexual satisfaction.

Making It Last

The average act of human copulation lasts a mere few minutes. During sex, most men find themselves rushing unconsciously toward the explosive orgasm. But rushing toward a finish line deprives both partners of extended ecstasy and deeper satisfaction. Ask yourself: would you rather be having sex longer, or be hitting the pillow quicker?

For a long time I was a hard-and-fast guy. I didn’t know any better than to let my body drive me, and my body certainly has a desire to orgasm. But a few years back I was privileged to observe another man in action. He had a different way of making love, which I came to call the Slow Boil. This man took his time, and he and his partner enjoyed every minute. And so began my inquiry into learning how to slow down and have better, longer sexual encounters.

The first way to have longer encounters is to expand your definition of what sex is. If you’re rushing to put your dick inside her, you’re cutting out a lot of hot sex. And the sex you are getting probably isn’t as exciting since women, in general, need to get ramped up. And once you’ve been with a woman who is truly ramped up, you’ll want to have as much of that as possible. In Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men (www.penguinputnam.com), a “book about how to pleasure women . . . sexually, emotionally, and intimately,” the authors emphasize savoring every facet of lovemaking. In the chapter Foreplay? Honey, It’s All Play! we are treated to one woman’s description of being systematically stimulated along every inch of her body by a sexually confident lesbian on the first date. The narrator was made to rate every kiss, lick and bite she was given along a pleasure scale of 1 to 10. Then her date put an ear right next to the woman’s mouth and listened closely to the narrator’s self-produced orgasm. Thereafter, the confident lesbian was fully informed about how to tweak and amplify her partner’s senses. The idea being, in this case, “If you know her well, you’ll do her well!”

As for male stamina, there are many ancient traditions and practices for men to explore their capacity for making love longer and conserving sexual energy. The Taoists have been studying sexuality for thousands of years, and in The Multi-Orgasmic Man (www.harpercollins.com), I was introduced me to the concept of whole body orgasms and men’s ability to achieve multiple orgasms in one lovemaking session. The ancient Chinese methods in this book require practice – for example, pubococcygeus muscle training you can do every time you pee. The sexual kung-fu is almost guaranteed to increase your capacity for sexual pleasure as well as conserve energy by controlling ejaculation. I went from short, and what seem now like pitiful orgasms, to body-quaking, non-ejaculatory orgasms with conscious practice over the course of a year or so.

The Golden Rule: Respect

Bottom line, there is no question that respect for your partner is the road to paradise. Power dynamics and emotional coercion are tried and true ways men have historically gotten others to submit sexually, but this has always resulted in lackluster and inconsistent satisfaction, if any satisfaction exists in coercive practice at all. As I’ll say repeatedly: Man enters a Woman as a guest, and must be invited. Be a conscious man and you will absolutely be invited.

Far from a perk, sexual pleasure is of profound importance to our well being. In alternative-relationship bible The Ethical Slut, the authors give us an inspiring image: “[S]ex and sexual love are fundamental forces of good – activities with the potential to strengthen bonds, enhance lives, create spiritual awareness, even change the world.” My belief is that sex is a basic need, and when this need is left unmet, men waste a ton of time, and they waste it doing things that don’t tend to get the need met.

What men could do if they were out of debt, if their sex-drives were more or less satisfied, boggles the mind.

Image by Mika Ueno, used under a Creative Commons license.

Get in Touch

2008-01-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

Touching, sadly, does not generally fall within the boundaries of social interaction in our current culture. As the Bad Religion song goes, Handshakes are nothing but a subtle Fuck You. It’s unfortunate that human contact – such a necessity to our species that infants will die if left untouched – is mostly rejected in polite company. Unfortunate because almost all of us enjoy being touched, and physical contact is a special form of communication existing at a level unavailable to other modes.

Basically, I’m advocating more touch. Offering simple massage whenever and however appropriate was a boon to my love life, and I’ve enjoyed every minute of giving it.

Of course, touch can be a powerful precursor to intimacy, and knowing how to approach someone with a gift of massage means being practiced in the art of perceiving signals. Some social contexts may allow touch as the first contact made, whereas in other contexts this would be tantamount to harassment. So be careful about when, where and how you touch. In most cases you should get verbal consent before going beyond a hug. Few people will turn down a neck rub if the situation is conducive. But make sure there’s a Green light.

In terms of the touch itself, I eventually went through massage therapy training and can verify that by far the most important aspect is the giver’s intent. You are speaking to a person through your touch, and your intent will be obvious, so please be present with what you are doing and make contact with a giving, loving spirit. Going through the motions, or otherwise having disconnected thoughts, will be obvious through your dead fish hands. Your massage may not be technically perfect, but if you are present, the receiver’s body will speak back to you. You may even get a pleased moan out of someone – enjoy this reaction that you’ve caused! Most people will relax and respond very well to a gentle stroking of the neck, shoulders, shoulder blades, arms and hands. If you want to offer a more assured touch, consider taking a workshop in massage technique. Hopefully this type of education will soon become more standard curricula. I believe giving and receiving manual therapy will one day soon be as natural as taking a shower. In fact, the shower is a fantastic place to ease tight muscles – your own or someone else’s.

Another place a man can gain confidence in the world of touch is at a gathering called a “Cuddle Party.” Look it up online, they already exist in a number of major cities worldwide, and the phenomenon is growing. A Cuddle Party includes a workshop element where one practices communicating personal boundaries, like saying “no, thank you,” with no further excuse. Asking directly and non-threateningly for what you want helps forge a safe space to touch each other, and there is no stress about where the touch is leading since overt sexual rubbing is not allowed. The fascinating thing is that spooning, massaging and caressing somehow makes conversation instantly deeper and more nourishing. Communication at a Cuddle Party seems to quickly move beyond the small talk one finds at other social gatherings.

Cuddle Parties also offer a place to explore what I’ll call “affectionate massage,” which goes beyond what is appropriate in the context of therapeutic massage, but is still short of overtly sexual. This sort of non-sexual intimacy can be extremely rewarding, even between romantic partners. And if you are not currently in a romantic relationship, Cuddle Party offers a place to “get in touch” with women, and vice-versa.

While dating, not every woman I met was receptive to the casual physicality of massage. But unquestionably there are many of women who will respond to confidence, a respect for their space, and a desire to offer a soothing and healing touch.

Ultimately our goal should be to give freely and to receive freely!

Image by *~\[ Yuga ☼ Sunshine ]/~* used under a Creative Commons license.

Zen and the Art of Signal Detection

2008-01-04T23:50:00.000-08:00

Brothers, regardless of whether we’re talking about meeting a woman for the first time or getting into bed the 400^th time, if there’s one thing that I’ve been confronted with repeatedly, it’s that women are (almost subconsciously) repelled by desperation. I repelled my ex-wife by radiating a desperation for sex. In my early attempts at online dating I repelled women by being desperate to meet in person. No question, desperation is unattractive. If repulsion isn’t your goal, it is imperative to develop a Zen attitude, specifically toward sex.

The Tao of Steve is a film in which the main character elaborates a method of scoring with women: Be Desireless (no desperation), Be Excellent (show some kind of worthiness), and Be Gone (supposedly from Heidegger “We pursue that which retreats from us”). The oversexed protagonist in the film eventually learns that reducing lovemaking to “scoring” is a recipe for dissatisfaction. But there is something valuable in being desireless. You don’t have to don the orange robes and shave your head, but not being driven purely by desires is imperative. Sexually, an overabundant desire is hard to satisfy, and women are rightly intimidated by it. Being “driven” certainly implies there is a driver – at least endeavor to have some control over your own psycho-physical energy, and Get Zen.

In the meantime, you’ve got to communicate to a woman the attitude that, Yes, you would certainly like to make love her, but it’s 100% fine if that doesn’t happen. There’s nothing wrong with making this explicit. Even if the desire is burning in you, it really does have to be okay to go home and read a book or jerk off. Maybe even tell her you’re going home to jerk off.

Zen-ness also improves a man’s practice of a particular, infinitely subtle art: figuring out how to act around women. A wise friend, call him Obi Wan, introduced me to the Traffic Light metaphor. In the US, a traffic light has three colors which individually indicate “go,” “proceed with caution” or “stop.” A carefully observant man will be able to tell, in any given situation from casual interaction to sexual foreplay, when a woman is giving her own particular version of a Green, Yellow or Red light. A Green light means: “Keep moving forward, I like where this is going.” A Yellow light means: “I’m a little unsure right now if I trust you, or where this is going, or if I’m interested.” A Red light means: “Right now I don’t trust you, or I am not interested in pursuing this type of interaction with you.”

Unlike a real traffic light, a woman’s traffic light doesn’t progress predictably. A Green light may change to Red instantly, or a Yellow light may go back to Green depending on what the man does. Traffic lights may also be circumstance specific – a Red light shouldn’t necessarily mean “Never approach me with this intention again.” Recognizing the cues means being attentive to verbal communication as well as body language, and interpretation of cues takes practice. Contrary to classic mainstream perception, the most successful lover isn’t the man who pursues with the most tenacity. The most successful male lover is a keen perceiver. Casanova absolutely does have to pursue, but he acts only upon receiving signals.

The ground-level assumption of the Traffic Light metaphor is that hetero sex is the domain of the woman. In terms of the coital act, man enters woman as a guest, and must be invited. A guest never invites himself. A man’s advances will be more successful if he correctly identifies invitations. And this is much easier if he maintains a Zen attitude at all times.

My vision is that men around the world will increasingly embrace Zen far beyond the bedroom. But it may start there for many. Like modern versions of Lysistrata, the fictitious heroine who helped end the Peloponnesian War by leading Athenian and Spartan wives to withhold sex from the warriors, women of the new age may be responsible for the enlightenment of more than a few boys.

Thank the women, brothers, for not accepting less than what we are capable of.

Image by Roberto Zingales, used under a Creative Commons license.

Poly-Science 101: New Age Non-Monogamy

2008-01-01T23:38:00.000-08:00

Is monogamy the natural order of our species?

More and more people don’t think it is, and the paradigm of couple-hood is under the cultural microscope like never before. But do non-monogamous unions represent the relationships of the future?

“Polyamory,” as popularized in best-sellers like The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, is probably the best organized approach to consensual non-monogamy. Geri D. Weitzman defined polyamory in a paper aimed at psychologists as “a lifestyle in which a person may have more than one romantic relationship, with consent and enthusiasm expressed for this choice by each of the people concerned.” In one sense, polyamory is to love what swinging is to sex. In a broader sense, “poly” relationships look as different as the people in them. They can be open or closed. They aren’t always sexual. But one idea that poly-identified individuals do tend to share is the belief that a single partner can’t necessarily meet all of a person's needs, and probably shouldn’t try.

While not attempting to catalogue every pattern, Weitzman elaborates three main configurations of polyamorous relationships:

One primary romantic relationship takes priority over one or more secondary romantic relationships.
An individual maintains two or more romantic relationships of equal priority, but an individual's romantic partners do not have a strong relationship with each other.
Poly-family: a romantic inter-relationship of three or more people, in which there is a strong relational commitment between all members.

Confusing? Wait until you sift through a glossary of poly terminology. This is relationship science.

The rise of the internet has allowed the sub-culture of polyamory to flourish, with forums and user groups providing much needed emotional support and information for newbies, and connectivity for the existing poly community. The poly boards on tribe.net overflow with an endless parade of how-to lists and helpful hints, opinions and warnings, starry-eyed chronicles and tragic rants. If poly people are anything, they are communicative. It would seem that thousands of people around the world are architecting pluralistic relationships, undeterred by the fact that this lifestyle is more closeted, and arguably more scandalous, than homosexuality.

Many who are in or have experimented with polyamorous relationships claim a lifelong discomfort with the perceived restrictions of monogamy. Others stumble across polyamory having had no prior concept of romance beyond the norms of serial-dating or marriage. I fall into the latter group.

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My own experience with poly began as a need to explore the wider world, but from within the container of marriage. My wife and I married young, neither of us bringing prior sexual experience to the table. Unsurprisingly, we hit a wall, and found ourselves in sex therapy. One of the recommendations was that we begin sharing fantasies.

Our sex heated up the night we started talking about one particular fantasy: adding other people into the mix. And it really blew my wife’s mind when I confided being turned-on at the thought of seeing her with another man. I began campaigning that this might be something to try in real life; we needed a change and this represented an exciting dash off the edge of our known universe.

Enter “Obi Wan” – a man responsible for hiring me on a recent job and whom we had gotten to know that year at Burning Man. My wife thought he represented the only person we could realistically invite into our private world. Obi Wan was unattached, level-headed and honest, and my wife was excited by the idea of approaching him. I thought the choice made sense, so one night after inviting him over to watch a movie (ironically enough, Closer), I purposefully dozed off on the couch in order to give my wife the opportunity to tell Obi Wan that she’d life to fuck him, and that I had suggested it. He was a little thrown, but asked for some time to think about it. A few weeks later he interrogated both of us, and after being reasonably satisfied that our marriage could tolerate such an adventure, accepted the invitation. We agreed on a policy that any one of us could halt the proceedings at any point.

Our first encounter didn’t happen until later that weekend after a big night out with my wife’s girlfriends from nursing school. A group of us ended up drunk at our apartment, and eventually everyone had left but for one girl passed out in our bathroom. Despite the distinct possibility that a groggy, intoxicated nursing student might stumble out of our bathroom at any time, Obi Wan, my wife and I proceeded to engage in a very steamy menage-a-trois on the living-room couch. It was the first of many steamy nights.

A few months later we stumbled across a discussion on relationship models hosted by a group called PolyParadise, and within the year we were preparing to move in together as a threesome. The intervening time represented a crash course for all of us in what it means to be members of a triad, or more correctly a V (vee) relationship. In this three-person model my wife was the pivot, while we men cultivated a non-romantic, fraternal bond. What had begun as a couple opening up a marriage transitioned into an open structure with my wife having one primary romantic partner and one secondary romantic partner, which eventually became a three-person unit with my wife having two primary romantic partners: an openly dating spouse and a fidelitous boyfriend.

As a poly family, we learned to juggle the unique emotional and practical needs of three people, including processing frequent flushes of jealousy and democratically resolving disagreements. It became clear at some point that each of us had “the most challenging role.” I was a husband stretching his identity to make room for another man. Obi Wan was the interloper, cautiously finding and defining his place within a long-standing married partnership. My wife was the exhausted focal point, heart always pointing in two directions and responsible for satisfying and meeting the needs of two men. The amount and depth of communication required to keep this experiment afloat was enormous. But despite the trials, it was an amazing time for all of us. For me it represented the most emotionally exciting, enriching period of my life up to that point. My wife found herself utterly swept away by the experience of feeling deep love for two people at once. Obi Wan was experiencing the profound nourishment of loving trust with a woman for the first time in his life. We were an intentional family, one that loved journeying together and taking care of each other. We absolutely felt like we were waving at the world from great heights…

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Ultimately, our little trio encountered overwhelmingly rocky territory. We didn’t quite reach 18 months, the average lifespan of the notoriously volatile triad configuration (a quad made up of two couples is well-known to be more stable). My wife had found a powerful sexual intimacy with Obi Wan, but she and I had fallen back into our stale sexual groove. Unable to reconcile these problems, and realizing we needed freedom to grow individually, my wife and I separated. Our threesome ended in a maelstrom of heartbreak.

Do I think polyamory ruined my marriage? Absolutely not. But major transformation was accelerated as long-dormant issues were forced to the surface. For me, it was wonderfully liberating to evaluate my personal boundaries and value my own worth. It’s potent to realize that every relationship is unique and irreplaceable, and that your partner is not with you because he is your property, but because he loves you. Polyamory requires something akin to an advanced degree in truth-telling, communication and introspection – invaluable skills in any relationship. My wife and Obi Wan are still together over a year later, and I am exploring new frontiers of love with a woman who brings more to my life than a dozen relationships could.

I believe polyamory will become more and more commonplace, eventually sharing social legitimacy alongside monogamy. Romantic love may be seen at some point as the glue that holds entire tribes together as humanity discovers its meta-conscious destiny. On the other hand, polyamory may never be a fit for a majority of people. Even in the best circumstances it can easily become a full-time job managing pluralistic relationships – in our current culture the intense challenges of partnership increase exponentially when extra personalities are added.

Beyond the fact that I am happy in a monogamous partnership, perhaps the biggest reason I am not endeavoring to make polyamory a part of my life right now is that while love may not be a “zero-sum” game in theory, some degree of intimacy is sacrificed as one gains lovers. This isn’t necessarily a problem for everyone, but my wife practically had a breakdown trying to maintain intimacy between just two partners. My soul is clearly capable of boundless love, but on this plane I’m forced to limit the extent to which I share my most intimate moments, dreams and fears.

When the lightning of Love strikes, it’s miraculous. To be sure, it is possible for Love to strike repeatedly.

Just be wary of electrical storms.

Further poly reading:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

http://www.polyamory.org/%7ejoe/polypaper.htm

Originally published at Reality Sandwich. Image by the-G-Man, used under a Creative Commons license.